


The Memories We Keep

by lullabies



Series: Foundations [1]
Category: Captain America (Comics), Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, violence against punching bags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-12
Updated: 2014-08-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 22:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2127018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabies/pseuds/lullabies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At first, there just hadn’t been enough time to process it, but now that Steve has had time to think about what he now knows about the Winter Soldier? Anger isn't a strong enough word for how he feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Memories We Keep

It was easy enough to push it to the back of his mind, the anger that reared its ugly head whenever Steve was alone. He never showed it in front of Sam although Steve thought the other man might have his suspicions about its existence, and Steve certainly never showed it when he went to visit Peggy. 

Those lucid periods of hers were becoming shorter and shorter, sometimes she would recognize him and other times, she would speak to him like he was just another soldier. Once, she had asked what he was doing in her room and he had been able to do nothing but duck his head and make up a lie about her being hurt during the war. 

“You saved me,” Steve had said to her, a small smile ghosting over his lips and his eyes downcast so Peggy wouldn’t be able to see all the words he was holding back from her. “I just came to thank you for that.” 

Peggy had smiled at him, the tight, polite smile, of a woman who was speaking to a strange man who she didn’t quite trust. 

And Steve, not knowing what else to do, had left with a muttered “Ma’am.” 

It was enough to make a guy wish that he could get so plastered that he would forget his own name. 

His name and the names of all those people who mattered so much, but were outside of his reach. 

It was Tony who had set him up with the gym that Steve so desperately needed. With SHIELD gone, there were few facilities that he could go to that would be alright with the way that Steve abused the punching bags. Captain America or no, those things were expensive, and when Steve had protested Tony had waved his hand in a dismissive motion. “No, no. Better to have you taking out your anger on these than anything else.” 

Tony had smirked and Steve could do nothing but smirk back, nodding his head in a silent thanks for the gift that had been given him. 

Each time Steve went into the gym there were new punching bags for him to abuse and he would let go of all the anger that had built up in him. Zola, that bastard, had been the one who had been testing the super soldier serum on Bucky. He had tortured him. Hurt him. 

The punching bag flew across the room as Steve’s fist connected with it and Steve reached for the next bag that he had lined up, barely glancing at the one he had just massacred. 

Bucky had fallen from the train because of Zola’s trap because the army needed to take him down and what had the punishment been? Amnesty for helping to take the Red Skull down and a cushy job as a scientist with SHIELD.

An Amnesty that Zola had used to work for Hydra, using resources up from SHIELD in order to fund Bucky’s brainwashing and shaping into the Winter Soldier. Zola’d had Bucky’s arm cut off, had replaced it with his newer metal one and what had the fucking punishment been? 

Eternal life on those computers, only cut short because Steve and Natasha had barged their way into somewhere they had no business being. 

Steve hit the bag for all he was worth, welcoming the pain that radiated through his fingers with each hit. He deserved this as much as Zola deserved death. If he had been faster, if he had been a better fighter, Bucky never would have been knocked out of the train. If he had been able to get to him more quickly, Steve’s best friend in the world would never have fallen from the train. 

And if he had searched for him… If Steve had gone back to search for Bucky’s body, then Hydra would never have had their Winter Soldier. 

Again, the punching bag flew across the room and Steve reached for his next punching bag only to find it wasn’t there. “You really zone out when you start going on that thing,” said a voice from the other side of the room and Steve turned his head to see that Tony was watching him. “I’ve been here for ages, so I figured that it would be better to get your attention before you decided that you’d just use whatever was available as your punching bag.” 

“Still might,” Steve’s fingers clenched into fists before he forced himself to relax. “You could have just said ‘hi’ like a normal person.” 

“Tried that, but you weren’t listening.” Tony shrugged as he pushed himself to his feet, looking Steve up and down. “Hello. Hola. Guten tag. Everything I could think of. Even Mandarin. Do you know any Mandarin?” Tony raised an eyebrow at Steve and before Steve could respond, the other man shrugged again. “It’s Ni Hao. Or we could go for Korean and say Annyeong.” 

“Do you have a point with all this?” Steve gestured with one hand and Tony smiled again, his gaze dropping down to Steve’s bruised fingers. 

“My point is that you should probably take a break. Not that your eruption of masculinity isn’t fascinating to watch, but even you’re going to need time to heal. Plus, we can get Korean. Have you ever had Korean? It’s fantastic.” 

Steve followed Tony’s gaze, looking at his knuckles where the tape had wrapped around his hands were starting to be stained by blood and after a moment, he looked back up at the other man. 

“Yeah, I could do Korean.” 

“And while we’re at it, you could pick up drinking.” Tony lifted the glass he was holding in a mock salute. “It’s a lot easier on the hands.” 

“If I could get drunk, I would.” Steve felt himself smiling a little despite himself and Tony nodded sagely. 

“Your metabolism, right. Same thing happens to Banner when he Hulks out. Probably for the best though, could you imagine a drunk Hulk? It would make for a great story once we were done sifting through the rubble.” 

Steve nodded, letting Stark’s words wash over him. Eventually, the other man ran out of words to say and Steve was left alone to shower and change out of his sweaty gym clothes. Again, the emotions surged through Steve stronger than ever, but this time it wasn’t the anger that he was accustomed to. 

Bucky. 

The shower water was too hot, but Steve hardly seemed to notice as he stepped underneath it and closed his eyes, half-wishing that it would take away everything else along with the dirt and the sweat. 

“Damnit, Buck.” Steve murmured, his words almost drowned out by the water. “I’m sorry.” 

No matter what Steve did to make amends, it would never be enough.

Any tears that might have fallen while Steve was in the shower were gone by the time that Tony came back downstairs, a smile playing on Steve’s lips. It was easy enough to lose himself in Stark’s company, in the good food and the alcohol that was having an entertaining effect on Steve’s host even though he couldn’t feel it himself. It was only late at night, alone again, that Steve’s mind drifted away from Tony’s amusing jabs and anecdotes to think of someone else who’d always been able to make Steve laugh.

In the quiet of Steve’s apartment, with only the sounds of traffic to break the silence, Steve thought of a smile that always started at the corner of the mouth. Of a small smirk, that would spread slowly until it took over the face entirely. Steve thought about bright eyes and a careless laugh. 

Gone now, but not lost forever if Steve had any say in it.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing for Marvel fandom, so if you see anything that you think can be improved, please let me know. :)


End file.
